I’ve been wanting to write lately but notice I speak of the same things over and over in blog posts. Losing a friend and lover, creating meaning out of the loss. Gardening as a metaphor. I went to writing group the other evening and was excited for a friend who is really shining in her writing. There’s a few older eccentric men that come to our group and harsh her for picking out a little tavern to host our writing. Small talk deemed a distraction, people turning into mosquitos. I found myself in tears in church on Sunday listening to her sermon about riding her bike across the country. I don’t feel the need to compare us any other way other than we are both on a journey. Both writers. Both searching.
I want so much to go down the rabbit hole of analyzing my past cycle with the old flame. I think awful theories of subconscious creation of pain through other women, attacks, lies. I think what was different this time was giving in a bit more to the freeze reflex. I laid first on a plastic mattress on the floor and then a futon mattress and kept whispering “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while hands pressed all over my body. I told myself to be quiet, that this might make things better. I did not touch back. I did not kiss. I let it all happen and felt my stomach curl into knots. I remembered parties of my youth sleeping on a carpeted floor in a trailer while some stranger pressed against me. Paralyzed.
Instead of trying to make my demise all about cheating and lying, I can just default to values once again. I don’t have many possessions and call myself a minimalist but I think survivor is a more fitting term. I spent money like crazy in college and will forever suffer the consequences of my need to feel good…right now. I sit on the couch in anxiety and watch an Amazon cart fill up with materials for solar power, titanium spoons, objects. I stop to put down a spoonful of hillbilly beef soup I had made and laugh. Why on earth won’t a regular spoon work? Why do things need purchased? Why so much time spent trying to figure out what to buy? I see the cycle of capitalism and consumerism played out right in front of me under the guise of “my land, my tiny home.” Ownership. Possession.
Despite the new rebellion against materialism the consumer mentality it still very much alive. Still worried about kind and quantity. Two titanium spoons, one for the ex and one for his guests. Security sought in numbers all motivated by the anxiety that there may be some missing out of what’s going on. Someone else might build a better tiny home, be more sustainable, have the best batteries. Researched lifetime warranties a little more lying naked on the couch in the morning. Throw away cactus plants, throw away male marijuana plants, throw away people. I learned most about what’s important inside a concrete room for three months. One spoon works great and takes on many uses. A toothpaste box becomes storage, toothpaste becomes a whitening agent for v-neck tees. Stripped of identity and objects, my thoughts become my only possessions. A true shift from the inside.
I still am teetering on that rabbit hole wondering if I was used for sex, unbending like a 2×4, noiseless like a spider. As I shower I feel my heart jump as I mistake the soap bubbles for a spider. I remember a game I created called finger spider so I could crawl my veiny hand tendrils all over the body of that same dude. Not frozen all the time. But still scared, seeing paper tigers and toy guns. The last nail in the coffin became a pair of skis. I watch the crazy eyes emerge–the same ones contained in a video with all actors high on acid. Folks sure do get crazy over the things that help them escape. I’ve gotten pretty crazy, too. The skis were traded back and forth until eventually they have ended up in my truck bed. Its hard to bicker over possessions (skis) not giving a shit about skiing. Its hard to admit I’ve been fooled again. And so I write. About the same things over and over with or without distraction in the tiny tavern of my heart.
“To live fully, we must learn to use things and love people, and not love things and use people.”
― John Powell